By Steve Mayeda
Being a Dating Coach men ask me all the time
- What’s the best way to meet women?
- What do I say to her?
- How do I get laid?
- How do I have better sex?
- What do I do on a date?
The funny thing is the answer to all of these questions is the same for these questions women ask me -
- How do I meet better men?
- How do I not get cheated on?
- How do I not get used?
- How do I have better sex?
- How do I not make him think I’m a slut?
If you want to meet women it is pretty easy, and if you want to meet better men that answer is also easy. And it is simple -
“I want to live a better life and be a better expression of myself.”
If you’re a man and need an equation for the ‘Meet Women’ paradigm it looks like this -
Live a Better Life + Learning to Express Yourself = Meet Better Women
I’d say women aren’t as into the whole equation thing, but it is pretty much the same.
Better Life + Expressing it right = Good Dudes
The answer to you living a good life, is the same for meeting the right women, men and having better sex. The answer is expressing yourself, truly and deeply for you.
The Big Problem
One of the biggest misconceptions people have when it comes to any type of relationship is – You can get a result without investing who you are. Like learning a system or a method that is dependent on you being someone else to get a result. When in reality it is a bit different. If you want a good life with good relationships you need to first be you, live that life and then the results will come. Long story short – You need to be the best expression of who you are. If you’re unwilling to do that, you’re never going to be happy.
Philosophy into Application
At TSL we believe All life is meant to express itself. And from this we can build “the Social Dynamic to make you a better human being.” Crazy…huh?
Even more crazy…One of my favorite things to talk about with people is ‘what gives their life meaning?’
If anyone has spent any amount of time with me they know I will always ask strangers stuff like -
- “What gives you meaning?”
- “What are you passionate about?”
- “What do you live for?”
People always tell me how ‘impossible’ this sounds, and how ‘people will be offended by this’, but then I show them. I walk up to a complete stranger and say,
“Hey I have a question for you, what give you meaning?”
The funny thing is that when you ask someone that you don’t know something like this they are confused and bewildered. I can count on that. I mean, why would someone be asking such a personal question? In fact, what I think is kinda insane, is that we aren’t asking people these questions.
And in that there is the greatest problem and solution to humanity, happiness and personal expression? Yes, I know that is saying a lot. Somehow asking someone ‘What their purpose is’ can make me happy, help humanity and give us fulfillment?
Back to the scenario - as they look at me like I’m crazy, I simply tell them,
“Well, I don’t mean to be too abrasive, but I am someone who has always wanted to live by what I believed in, but never fully did. I don’t know why that is so hard for us, but none of us do. We do all these things that don’t matter, and then when we are asked what matters, it’s weird… So that is why I am asking.”
Then I ask them again. “What do you live for?” or whatever other ‘big’ question’ that people think is impossible to talk about.
(This is all a loose display of a TSL Online trademark technique called Rapport Cycling. It is a structured conversation that you can adapt to connect, qualify and build rapport almost instantly. It is customizable and works for any topic and anybody and any situation with some practice. If you want to learn it check out TSL Online, our 90 day Course.)
What happens after that is pretty amazing, sad and beautiful all at once. The fact is that, everyone wants to talk about their dreams, ambitions, passions, and what really has meaning to them. They have been dying to. In fact, that is the sad part. The problem is that people never talk about what really gives them meaning and purpose. Their lives are grey, they have thrown out all those great things that give them life, to make ends meet, fit in and whatever else life throws at them. People all have dreams, inner beauty and passion, but they don’t get to express it. They don’t talk about it with their friends, their families or their lovers. Instead they, or should I say ‘we’, are constantly reaching for actions to feel better with stuff that has nothing to do with what is within us. And that is really sad, we live life that is not our expression, but a reaction to what’s supposed to make us happy. We have more of a relationship to our fears, than who we are.
But it’s Not All Bad News
Remember I said it was “amazing, sad and beautiful all at once”. Here is the amazing and beautiful part.
What you will notice if you ever have a conversation like I outlined above. When you talk to someone about this, even a stranger, you soon realize you’ve opened a door. What that person lives for, what they are passionate about and gives them meaning finally gets to do what it was meant to do…express. Humanity was meant to express, it is what gives our sense of self and identity. Authentic expression gives us meaning. When it comes to expression, relating, loving, connecting, sharing, giving and experiencing there is no logical map. In fact it really doesn’t make sense if you’re only looking through the lens of how what our society values. Our society values efficiency, results, things, excess and so on. Socializing and sex don’t speak those languages. In fact socializing and sex are a language that was spoken long before the concepts of, results, ownership and status ever existed.
This is the main problem with Social Dynamics programs and companies. They are trying to look for some cookie cutter logical plan for you to follow so that you can make a friend, lover, get a sex partner and so on. If you have a method you won’t have to fail and feel pain, you will not mess up. However to feel you need to let yourself feel. You need to allow someone to connect, you need to feel pain to feel good. The way the industry suggests it, feel nothing, get a result and then you’re a human. It is the huge irony of it all. People are so lonely, not being able to express what they want, show who they are and experience their sexual expression that they would do the most non-social/sexual thing – fake who they are, to get a result so they won’t feel different and alone. Socializing, sexuality and relationship is not based on a result, but on an experience. Fulfillment is not a logical path, it is a phenomenon that happens when people show their real selves to one another and are affected by one another.
This is why TSL emphasizes so directly that ‘You are born to be Sexual, you are born to be Social’. You were made to do those things, like talk about what gives you meaning, more than you were to drive a car and go to work, gossip about what you wanted on TV and follow your workout plan. Logic, systems, methods and so on are great, they serve their purpose. However before those had anything to do with human life there was connection. We were made to connect, be social and be sexual. Before society, culture and all those rules about what is right and wrong, there was this awesome thing called connection. It happened when someone feeling something and wanting to do it, and the wanting to shared it, and in doing it those people experienced. The experience of people sharing and connecting felt good and this is fulfillment. It didn’t need a reason to happen other that simply the unique desire to share and connect.
Now of course society and culture are great. They have many benefits, and also give us tons of things to be frustrated with. However, we need to stop defining the rules of sex and socializing by the rules of other people. We need to not be socializing based on what society says, but based on what gives us meaning within. One path comes from inside and the other comes from the outside. At TSL we say, ‘The answer comes from within’ and that is how we learn to connect.
In our world today we forget this. We forget that the power of human connection is what gives us fulfillment. It is what is behind everything that is great about humanity. And whether we were never told or we have forgotten, we need to know – we will never have fulfillment if we are living our lives by not just trying to not feel alone. We need to be living our lives by sharing what gives us purpose.
Go ahead and try it. Say, ‘hello’
Ask about someone’s life, then share part of yours.
For a moment your world will change, and their world will change.
If we keep doing it, the whole world will change.
Founder of The Sexual Life – The Movement to Live, Connect and Express